Category Archives: 2018 A to Z Challenge


Boundaries

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is B is for Boundaries & Caregiving.

Sometimes as a caregiver, you can get so focused on taking care of your loved one that the boundaries between you and the patient can get blurred. Setting boundaries in your caregiving relationship can ease both caregiver burnout as well as the guilt that both the caregiver and patient often feel as a result.

“There are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.”

Former First Lady, and caregiver advocate, Rosalynn Carter

Blurred boundary lines can manifest themselves in many ways:

You might find it difficult to make decisions.Boundaries

You don’t want to hurt your loved one’s feelings. Maybe you’re even worried about how others will perceive the way you are handling things. You can hear the whispers already, “Can you believe she is still going bowling once a week while her husband is going through cancer?” But, when you are able to set clear boundaries, you don’t worry about the whispers, because you know that you’ve made the right decision for yourself. Your bowling night might be the one thing that keeps you from losing it during the most stressful time of your life.

You feel exhausted when you don’t have clear boundaries.

Whether this is in other relationships such as work and church, or in your relationship with the loved one you are caring for, boundaries help to bring a sense of peace and order to your life. All of the things you agree to do eventually will wear you out. Even if you were able to take on the same schedule before you became a caregiver, it’s much more difficult to maintain when you are also living with the emotional strain cancer puts on patients, their families, and their caregivers.

You’re just trying to be helpful.

Maybe you’re just doing what you’ve always done (before you became a caregiver). Some caregivers find serving others to be therapeutic. It takes their mind off of their worries and gives them something to feel in control of. Even if you fall into this category of people, keep in mind that you can get too much of a good thing. Use caution when agreeing or volunteering to do things, especially if they are things that require a long-term commitment.

It’s common for your role as a caregiver to change over time. It may become more intense and time-consuming, requiring you to cut back on the things you’ve always done in the past. Letting go of those things, especially things you really love doing, is hard. Remind yourself that this isn’t permanent. At some point, you will be able to say “yes,” again to responsibilities you enjoy, outside of your caregiving role.

For now, it’s a good idea to allow yourself an “out.” Say, “I would love to help, but there is the possibility that my caregiving responsibilities will interfere with this at some point. This lets the people in your life know that at some point you may need to pull out of a commitment.

Sometimes this lack of boundaries develops out of habit.

You start saying yes. More “opportunities” arise, and before you know it, your calendar is ready to fall off of the fridge, it’s so heavy with ink.

Some people lack the assertiveness it takes to say, “no.” Have you ever had someone ask you to can do something for them, and because you are afraid of letting them down, you agree, even though you really don’t want to? It can happen to anyone, but if it happens too often, it can contribute to burnout. As a caregiver, you already have a lot of responsibilities.

Blurry boundaries create chaos, which isn’t good for anyone. That chaos can show up in your schedule and in your relationships. You may wonder where your boundaries are (or even if you should have them at all). When you add too much to your list of things to do, you are bound to drop the ball at some point. This can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety. Even worse, you can end up resenting the people you are serving, including the patient you are caring for.  By setting clear boundaries, everyone knows where they stand and what they can and shouldn’t expect of you. This includes you!

Boundaries

Sometimes patients expect more than what is reasonable and healthy.

Being ill can cause a patient to feel afraid and alone. It’s natural for them to rely on you, heavily to help them through these times. Sometimes this can become unhealthy. They may make you feel guilty for going out with friends or having another commitment that keeps you from doing what they would like you to do for them. The longer you allow this to continue, the more difficult it will be for them to understand that they are being unreasonable.

“You’ve always spent Friday nights with me in the past.

Why do you need to go to your quilting group now?”

As a caregiver, you’re already one demand away from burnout. Trying to live up to the expectations of a patient without boundaries can slide a caregiver over the edge. Even if it’s difficult at first, your loved one will eventually understand and get accustomed to your boundaries.

Do you as a caregiver demand too much from yourself?

With these responsibilities, you might feel like you fall short of your own expectations. This not only contributes to caregiver guilt but patient guilt, as well. Most patients can see when you are neglecting other relationships and responsibilities in favor of caring for them. They’re also aware of how tired you are and the effects it is having on your overall health.

Boundaries are an expression of respect.

Boundaries help you and the person you are caring for determine what your role and responsibilities are. Sometimes caregivers are the ones crossing the boundaries of their loved one. They might hover, “mothering” their loved one. It’s easy to see why this happens, especially when a patient is lax in their self-care. Unfortunately, this can leave a patient feeling more like a child than an adult, capable of making decisions for themselves. Worse yet, they may feel disrespected. Often the patient was once the provider and a source of strength in the family. Now, they’re in the most vulnerable position they have ever been in. They have lost control over so many things in their lives. A caregiver who unintentionally crosses a patient’s boundaries only exacerbates this feeling.

Many patients say they feel like a burden to their loved ones.

By allowing yourself to do other things you enjoy, apart from your normal caregiving routine, you not only refresh yourself but reassure the patient that your life isn’t consumed by taking care of them. You can also reassure them directly when you encourage family members to talk about feelings. Be committed to honesty when you talk together. This shows your loved one respect. It says, “I trust that you can handle the truth. You deserve the truth.” Setting boundaries benefit both patients and caregivers.

Boundaries and Respite Time

These boundaries should include setting aside time for yourself to refresh and nurture the other relationships in your life. Sometimes this can cause some anxiety on the part of both the patient and the caregiver, especially if the level of caregiving is intense. They may worry about how they will get along when you aren’t there. If their concern is merited, have a friend or family member come to spend some time with them so they can feel safe while you have some time to yourself to relax.

When a Patient’s Cancer is Terminal

Boundaries can be especially difficult to establish and maintain if the patient has a terminal illness. The caregiver may think, “What if Mom dies tonight while I’m on a date with my girlfriend?” Kelly Grosklags, who specializes in oncology-related counseling says about this, “people die when they are ready. Don’t feel guilty if you do happen to miss the death, itself. You have to make decisions, in the moment, with the information you have at the time. You have to say no in order to say yes.”

“Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.” –Vincent Van Gough

Resources

I’m in the early stages of putting together a resource page for caregivers of cancer patients. I’d love it if you’d check it out and email me any suggestions of resources you’d recommend. While you’re here, sign up for my email list to get a periodic email newsletter to encourage you on your cancer journey.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

Originally posted 2018-04-02 07:00:45.


Anger and Grief

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is A is for Anger & the Grief Process.

When someone you love has cancer…

You grieve. Anger is very often one of the early manifestations of that grief.You may think of grief with the death of a loved one, but grief is a response to loss. This could be the loss of your health, your job, a relationship, or a lifelong dream.

For patients, caregivers and family members, grieving begins the moment you realize that you or a loved one has cancer. There is a big shift in the story you pictured for yourself. The outcome may not look anything like you had hoped or imagined. Even if your cancer isn’t terminal, there is a lot to grieve when you or someone you love has cancer. It often brings a laundry list of losses with it.

Common losses:

  • Time: Sometimes a caregiver has to devote all of their time to caring for the patient.
  • Anticipated Grief: As you are caring for your loved one, you’re acutely aware that you may lose them.
  • Activities: A health crisis can mean no longer living as you once did. This is true for caregivers as much as for patients.
  • Lost Dreams: After a cancer diagnosis, life no longer looks like the one you had planned. It will never be the same again.
  • That, in itself, is a tremendous loss.
  • Finances: Often the patient and/or the caregiver have to stop working. This loss of income means fewer opportunities and
  • more financial stress.
  • Stability: Each family member is experiencing grief in their own way. While the patient is usually shielded from this, caregivers frequently have to help everyone manage this experience.

What’s behind the Anger?

Anger is one of the most common reactions to intense stress, such as the kind experienced in the face of a serious illness. It helps to consider what is behind this emotions and how to express it in a healthier way.
Feeling angry is a normal reaction to cancer. It feels unfair. People get angry when something is unfair. You may even be angry with the person who is sick. This can lead to feelings of guilt. Often, anger is covering up deep-seated sadness. Talk with someone about the things you feel cancer has taken from you and your family. Sharing these things with someone else can be an act of empowerment.

Grief and AngerIt’s Okay to Feel Angry

It is a valid response during the grieving process. Feeling anger doesn’t make you a bad daughter, husband, sister, etc. or that you’re not coping well. It makes you human. Unfortunately, the expression of anger can often be destructive with shouting, cruel words, or even physical violence. Most people lose any feeling of security and safety when someone is showing out-of-control anger.

Express your feelings rather than act them out.

Yet, it’s important to fight the instinct to stifle your feelings. They need to be recognized. Not only is hiding your feelings exhausting, but it also sends a signal to your family members that they should do the same thing. That’s why it is important to express these feelings in a constructive, healthy way. It’s important that you don’t take these feelings out on the people around you. They are hurting too.

How to release your anger

Find healthy ways to release the anger. This could be something physical, like walking or some other sport. It could be something symbolic, like writing down the things about cancer that make you angry and then burning the list (in a safe, controlled way). Immerse yourself in a hobby. Pray.

You can be angry without falling apart.

These feelings won’t last long. There are many other emotions you will experience as you grieve. They are all ways of fine-tuning your feelings. Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones and you will get through this a stronger person in the end.

Resources

I’m in the early stages of putting together a resource page for caregivers of cancer patients. I’d love it if you’d check it out and email me any suggestions of resources you’d recommend. While you’re here, sign up for my email list to get a periodic email newsletter to encourage you on your cancer journey.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

Originally posted 2018-04-01 07:00:33.


caregiving

This April I will be participating in the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Every day (except the 2nd -5th Sundays) bloggers post to their blogs something that pertains to a specific theme (usually) as well as the letter of the alphabet assigned to that day. Today is the day when participants reveal their chosen theme, or if they are going to go themeless. Since I am deep in the trenches of caregiving, this year Facing Cancer with Grace’s theme is…

Caregiving

Five years ago, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. His doctors didn’t expect him to survive very long. I was a new caregiver, unsure of how to approach this new role. Since then, I’ve learned that caregiving is hard. That might seem obvious, but people who’ve never walked in the shoes of a caregiver often don’t realize that we’re on the journey, too.

How do we balance the emotional needs of the patient, other family members, kids, and perfect strangers who insert themselves into our lives?  How do we take care of our own needs when the needs of the loved one we are caring for seem so pressing?

I’ve been on this caregiving journey for over 5 years, and I’m still no expert at this. But I have learned a few things and I hope to encourage you.

A to Z in 2 Places!

I’m doing double duty this year during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. I will be doing the challenge here at Facing Cancer with Grace, and also at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list.

To give you a preview of some of the posts I have (and will have) written, I am posting the schedule. These links will go live when the post is up at 7 AM CST on the following dates:

April    Title/Topic

1              A – Anger & the Grief Process

2              B – Boundaries & Caregiving

3              C – Critical Family Members

4              D – Depression in Caregivers

5              E – Exercise Lowers Stress

6              F – Funeral Home – First Visit

7              G – Guilt Caregivers Feel

8              No Post

9              H – Honesty: Your Authentic Response

10             I – Ideal You vs. Real You

11             J – Joyful Despite Cancer

12             K – How Kids Understand Death

13             L – Living With Cancer

14             M – Memories & Terminal Cancer

15             No Post

16             N – No: The Power of Saying No

17             O – Snake Oil Salesmen

18             P – Plan B: A Change in Plans

19             Q – Quality of Life

20             R – Relax: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

21             S – Sleep Problems When You’re a Caregiver

22             No Post

23             T – Time Management & Cancer

24             U – Unrealistic Expectations & Parental Guilt

25             V – Video of Tagrisso and Our Story

26             W – 6 Nuggets of Caregiving Wisdom

27             X – The Daily Examen (Not technically an X word, but close enough)

28             Y – Young Adult Caregivers Ages 18-26

29             No Post

30             Z – Zero in on Self-Care

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

 

 

Originally posted 2018-03-19 07:00:25.


Ways you can help a caregiver

During the month of April, I participated in the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I concentrated on writing posts for caregivers, There are many ways you can help a caregiver. Raising awareness of what day to day life is like as a caregiver is how I help.

At Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, I wrote a retrospective post about what it was like writing 55 posts, posting them all in April, and then reading and commenting on the blogs of other participants. Check it out!

In this post, I share some of the many ways you can help a caregiver.

By choosing a couple of these suggestions you can help a caregiver greatly reduce their stress, and cope with their role as a caregiver. Which suggestions you decide to take on, will depend on your relationship with the caregiver and their specific situation, such as whether or not they have children.

These suggestions come from chapter 10 of the book, Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone who has Cancer

Here are some ways you can help a caregiver if you are close to them:

  • Make sure the caregiver doesn’t neglect their health. They should be making regular trips to the doctor and dentist.
  • Keep an eye out for signs of depression in the caregiver.
  • Encourage the caregiver to set up a blog such as caringbridge.org or an email list so that they can keep people updated without having to repeat themselves so often. If they are overwhelmed by this, you could start it and maintain it until they’re ready to take it over. Of course, only do what they are comfortable with. And, have the caregiver review any updates for accuracy before posting.
  • Allow the caregiver to vent. They often feel guilty expressing feelings of discouragement and frustration, so they keep them inside.

Here are some ways you can help a caregiver if they have young children:

  • Bring your young children to visit elderly patients, caregivers, and their children. This can often brighten up their day.
  • Babysit their children. Take them to and from school and activities. Take the kids out for a fun couple of hours. It can be an event, a restaurant, taking them out for ice cream, having them over for a sleepover, or just an hour in the park.
  • Take children to dental and doctor’s appointments. All too often, these appointments slip through the cracks of a busy schedule being maintained by exhausted parents. Ensuring the kids get their normal check-ups can prevent problems for them later on.
  • Offer to bring children to their place of worship if the parents are unable to go.

 

You can help a caregiver if you are close to the patient:

  • Offer to spend time with the patient if the patient is too ill and unable to be left alone. This will enable the caregiver a couple of hours to get out of the house or even to just take a much-needed nap. This time can be very renewing.

Here are some ways you can help a caregiver by pampering them:

  • Take the caregiver out for a coffee or lunch date.
  • Schedule a weekly walk with the caregiver. This will help them get often needed exercise and fresh air. During inclement weather, you can walk in a mall. Often malls open early, before the stores do, so people can walk without the crowds. Check out the Wikipedia article on this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mall_walking.
  • Offer to take them out to a movie. If they’re too tired, drop off a rental with or without some microwave popcorn and some beverages. We have a couple of friends who took our entire family to the movies. It was an amazing gift to our family which we really appreciated.
  • Treat him or her to a spa day or a beauty treatment: manicure/pedicure, facial, makeup application, massage, etc. It may be the first time they’ve felt pampered in a while.
  • Arrange for a hairstylist to make a home visit to trim the entire family’s hair. This is something that’s often put on a back burner in the chaos of caregiving.

Ways you can help a caregiver

 

Here are some practical ways you can help a caregiver:

  • Call when you are en route to a store to see if you can pick anything up for him/her.
  • Say to the caregiver, “Give me a task.” It could be laundry or an errand like picking up groceries. Often, a patient will refuse the help that a caregiver greatly needs. Let them know that you can be in and out. No socializing needed (unless they would like some).
  • Offer to clean one room of their house. Bring dusting polish, window cleaner, etc., so that you can get right down to work. He or she may want to participate. Many hands make light work and you can chat while you get the job done. Your help will be greatly appreciated.
  • Offer to wash/fold laundry.
  • Wash and clean the car.
  • Help with seasonal tasks like cleaning gutters, raking leaves and shoveling.

    Facing Cancer as a Friend is available on Amazon.com.

Here are ways you can help a caregiver financially:

  • Donate money or vacation time to cover paid-time-off hours for the caregiver (some employers allow this).
  • Donate air miles so that they can take a trip or a family member from far away, with limited resources, can visit.

You can help a caregiver, spiritually, too:

  • If you are a praying person, pray for the caregiver and any children the patient has. Tell the caregiver that they are in your prayers. It can make a big difference, especially if they are a Christian.

 

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

 

Originally posted 2018-05-07 07:00:34.


Zero in on Self-Care

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is Z for Zero in on Self-Care

I’m not going to give you a laundry list of self-care ideas. There are enough of those on the web. I do want to talk about how address all of your needs using the ideas that you decide are for you. You are a whole being with many parts. The key to ideal self-care is to make sure you balance these parts.

Emotional Self-Care

Keeping a close eye on how you are doing emotionally is essential as a caregiver. It can be so easy to burn out and end up feeling overwhelmed and depressed. It’s a good idea to develop a relationship with a therapist early on in your caregiving role. A therapist can help you navigate the emotional icebergs that threaten to sink caregivers. They can be a listening ear with whom you can openly share your deepest fears and failures.

  • Allow yourself to cry.
  • Getting angry is also okay. A non-destructive way of expressing this (and any emotion) is through journaling.
  • It’s okay (and even essential) to laugh.

Physical Self-CarePhysical Self-Care

Pay attention to any health issues YOU have. SO often, we are taking such good care of others that we neglect ourselves. That can lead to disastrous effects. You need to stay healthy to be there for your family.

  • Make sure to include a healthy diet in your daily routine. This will fuel you with good stuff, rather than junk, giving you the energy to get through difficult days.
  • Include moderate exercise as a regular part of your life. You may not be able to fit this into every day, but if you examine your days with a creative outlook, you will be able to sneak activity in, and you will feel better for it.
  • Get a good night’s sleep!
  • Avoid unhealthy habits like smoking, alcohol and illicit drug use.

Intellectual Self-Care

  • It’s important to keep your mind sharp.
  • This could include puzzles and games.
  • Reading is a great way to stretch your intellect, and you could read about anything that interests you.
  • There are tons of free online classes.

Social Self-Care

As social beings, we crave connection—even introverts like me! How we get that connection will vary from one person to the next. It’s important to get your social needs filled in a way that fits your needs. That might be going out for coffee with one friend, or going to a big gathering of friends that lasts for hours.

For some people, limiting your social dance card can be just as essential to self-care. Introverts tend to be more drained by people than extroverts are. Listen to your body to prevent becoming burned out by too much of a good thing.

Professional Self-Care

Many caregivers have to juggle their role as a caregiver with their career. Like self-care, how you approach this will depend a great deal on how you view your job as a priority. Is it just a way to pay the bills? Do you look at your job as part of a long-term career path that needs to be nurtured? The way you answer these questions will help you decide how to handle your professional life. The more you value maintaining your professional path, the more you will need to rely on help from others to ensure you can give it the attention it needs.

  • You may choose to change jobs to one that is more flexible or take a leave of absence.
  • Your job may be a welcomed escape from caregiving.
  • Finances might dictate how you handle your professional life.
  • Know your rights. Take advantage of things like the Family Medical Leave Act.

Spiritual Self-Care

Your spiritual life should be the core of your self-care. It is what directs your value system and gives you a sense of identity. This is true, even if you don’t think you have a spiritual life. A great starting point is to determine if there are any gaps between your spiritual values and the way you are carrying them out in your life.

Find a spiritual mentor. This doesn’t have to be something formal, but you should know who you look up to and why. Consider what it is about them that you respect. Over time, establish a relationship with them so that you have someone to turn to when you have questions about God or how you should handle different situations.

Nurture your spiritual life. It can be easy to skip church and let your prayer life lapse. Going deeper will unearth amazing rewards long-term in your spiritual life.

Spiritual Self-Care

 

How to Zero in on Self-Care

Regularly check in with yourself to see what areas of your life need nurturing. Make sure you aren’t putting all of your eggs in one basket, either. Trust your intuition and pay attention to any areas that are lacking.

Resources

I’m in the early stages of putting together a resource page for caregivers of cancer patients. I’d love it if you’d check it out and email me any suggestions of resources you’d recommend. While you’re here, sign up for my email list to get a periodic email newsletter to encourage you on your cancer journey.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

Originally posted 2018-04-30 07:00:20.


Young Adult Caregivers

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is E is for Exercise Increases Creativity.

Young adults, ages 18-26 take a close second to infants, when it comes to being overlooked and under-supported, as they live with a parent’s cancer diagnosis. To drop them off the radar when they turn 18 is really a disservice to them. Even though their emotional and physical growth has slowed down, having an adult body does not always mean being grown-up. Children continue to develop emotionally and neurologically until they are twenty-six years old. It’s shocking when you consider that many children of cancer patients are also young adult caregivers.

Ages 18-26

The stage of emerging from adolescence to adulthood can be a complex yet exciting time of growth. Young adults are focusing on themselves, their education, career, marriage, and sexuality. Finding out that a parent has cancer during this time can be a huge shock to an eighteen to twenty-six-year-old, especially if they are thrust into the role of a caregiver. They’ve barely finished high school, and have all sorts of plans for their life. They may be transitioning to college.

Young Adult Caregivers in College

Young adults comprise 12–18% of adult caregivers, and the average age of a young adult caregiver is 21 years old.  Many young adult caregivers are attending college. Research has found that caregiving by college students has been associated with:

  • Greater difficulty transitioning to college,
  • Less social interaction
  • Higher levels of stress and depression
  • Stress due to inexperience in fulfilling caregiver duties

Often they have to change what school they were going to attend, take time off, or completely quit college because of their parent’s illness. Their mind (and often their time) is so focused on caring for their parent with cancer that it’s difficult to give school or their job their full attention and effort.

Young Adult Caregivers

Just getting on their feet

Young adults Caregivers are thinking about starting their career, and sometimes of getting married. Everything they looked forward to is on hold so that they can do the right thing. They may go from being a child to being a caregiver—and they are not yet done developing. They might feel a sense of isolation within their peer groups because it is difficult for their friends to understand what they are going through. Since young adults have a strong need for community, this can leave them feeling very alone. Support can be the difference between young adult caregivers who prosper and those who will struggle.

Helpful Tips for Young Adult Caregivers

  • Seek out guidance and support.
  • Don’t be discouraged when you make mistakes. That is one of the ways you will learn.
  • Find positive role models.
  • If you are starting, or are already in college, make an appointment with your academic counselor to discuss a plan in case the patient’s health begins to impact your grades.
  • If your loved one’s cancer is terminal, address the possibility of them dying during their time at the school.
  • Talk with your financial aid adviser to see how any scholarship or loans will be affected by a hiatus of 6 months to a year, in case you need to take some time off.
  • Check in with your school’s mental health adviser. Even if you are handling things well now, it’s a good idea to know who you can reach out to if things change and you need extra support.
  • Many employers offer mental health services. Set up an appointment with a therapist through your medical insurance plan.
  • You might need to try out more than one in order to find someone who you connect with.

It’s important to get the support you need to get through this time. Remember, you’re not alone, there are therapists, counselors, and even online and community support groups to help you through this.

Resources

I’m in the early stages of putting together a resource page for caregivers of cancer patients. I’d love it if you’d check it out and email me any suggestions of resources you’d recommend. While you’re here, sign up for my email list to get a periodic email newsletter to encourage you on your cancer journey.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

Originally posted 2018-04-28 07:00:13.


The Daily Examen

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is X is for Daily Examen (I know it’s not technically an X word, but hopefully, you’ll forgive me).

As a caregiver, there are a lot of ups and downs each day. People often ask how I deal with that. One way is the Daily Examen,

The Examen is a method of prayer and meditation first practiced by St. Ignatius of Loyola, a Spanish priest, and theologian who founded the religious order of the Society of Jesus (Jesuits). You don’t need to be Catholic to use this method of prayer and meditation. The Examen is a wonderful way to not only seek guidance from God but also to grow closer to Him each day. This is particularly helpful as a caregiver needing to find the light in the darkness of our, often difficult task.

There are 5 parts to the Daily Examen.

Here is my paraphrase of question I ponder as I spend time in prayer using this powerful method as a guide. I have used language that I am comfortable with. You don’t need any particular words. Instead, feel free to use your own words as you go through the steps of examining your day and your heart.

  1. Open your heart and mind to what God has to say to you about your day, your life and your relationship with Him.

“God, Be with me now as I look back on what has happened today. Help me see things through your eyes and with your Holy Spirit within me. Give me the clarity to glorify you, even when things are hard, and my feet stumble on the path as I walk toward you and beside you.”

  1. Recall to your mind, God’s blessings. What are the positive things that have happened today?

“God, when have you been there for me, today? What are some of the good things that happened? What can I glean from today? Were there people who lightened my load, or made me feel especially loved? Did I experience any moments when I was acutely aware of your presence?”

  1. Reflect on your day.

“Lord, were there times I followed where you led, today? Did show mercy when I could have been hard on someone (maybe even rightly)? Did I show charity in my dealings with others? Were there moments when I was especially aware of your presence? How did that feel? How was the care I gave my loved one, a reflection of your love?”

  1. Seek forgiveness for your shortcomings. We so often fall short. Thankfully, we have a Savior who can restore us.

“Lord, were there things today that I should have done differently. Did I speak too harshly to my child when he wasn’t behaving? Were there times that my weariness got the best of me so that I was unaware of the needs and pain around me? Was, I selfish and untrusting when I wouldn’t share with others what you have so freely given? Lord, forgive me. I am so sorrowed for the times that I ignored the promptings of your Holy Spirit.”

  1. Ask for help in the coming day, anticipating renewal and growth.

“Lord, tomorrow I have a lot on my plate. I’m thankful that you can help me in the times I feel unable to handle it all. Let me be an instrument in your hands. I pray that you will use me in the way that suits you best.”

There are many ways to pray the Examen.

Some people journal through the Examen, expressing their thoughts in prayer through the ink, onto paper. When I was a young woman, I used to journal, beginning each entry, “Dear Lord.” This began a conversation between God and me that continued long after I set down my pen.

While praying through the Examen is ideal at the end of the day, you don’t need to wait that long. You can also Examen your heart in the middle of the day, reflecting on how things have gone so far. You can use this method after a difficult (or wonderful) situation such as a family meeting. Much can be learned by looking at complex relationships interacting, through God’s eyes.

Resources

I’m in the early stages of putting together a resource page for caregivers of cancer patients. I’d love it if you’d check it out and email me any suggestions of resources you’d recommend. While you’re here, sign up for my email list to get a periodic email newsletter to encourage you on your cancer journey.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

Originally posted 2018-04-27 07:00:47.


Unrealistic expectations and Parental guilt

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is U is for Unrealistic Expectations & Parental Guilt.

Parental guilt is part of having kids. It comes with the job. You first feel it when you make decisions about feeding, Breast or bottle? You may feel guilty about your decision to either go back to work or to stay home with your baby. Education decisions such as where your child will go to school (or if they will be homeschooled) make matters even more complex, And, almost always, finances tug at those “guilt strings.” It’s hard to balance life in the best of times. Adding the roller coaster of cancer to the mix makes it nearly impossible. At the root of this parental guilt are unrealistic expectations.

When you or (your spouse) get cancer

Parental guilt hits an all-time high on the guilt-o-meter. You’ll feel it every day.

Here are just a few of the things that add to that parental guilt :

  • Finances are even tighter than before.
  • Time is stretched to its limits.
  • Your new schedule, filled with appointments and blocks of time overtaken by fatigue, completely alters your family’s way of life.
  • Your child may need to change (or even drop) certain activities because of finances, fatigue and scheduling conflicts.
  • You’re exhausted and often, crabby. Sometimes you say things you wish you could take back.
  • Little Mary can’t have friends over very often because you need the house to be quiet so you can rest.
  • Baking brownies for little Johnny’s scout troop won’t happen anytime soon.
  • You forget to plan dinner more often and end up eating take-out four nights out of seven.
  • As if that’s not enough, you begin to wonder about what your child’s future will look like after living with a parent who is fighting cancer.

More to Mum

Louise at More to Mum wrote a post called “Mum Guilt: Revealing the Standards You Impose on Yourself.” In it, she defines guilt:

“Guilt is the feeling we get when we don’t meet the standards we’ve set for ourselves.”

If that’s true (and it is), we have a lot more control than we think, over whether we feel guilty, or not. The control lies in examining and changing our unrealistic expectations. How do you do that when everything feels so overwhelming?

Louise at More to Mum has graciously allowed me to share her infographic called, “Working Through Mum Guilt,” (or parental guilt). It’s self-explanatory, but to get the most out of it, check out her site, and especially this great post.

Mom to Mum Guilt

 

 

Find your routine

Building a regular routine is one of the best ways to give your children a sense of security and stability. This can be very comforting for all members of your family. You can utilize something as simple as a weekly board game or a TV show that you can share as a family. It could be a meal that you share on a regular basis. Praying as a family is a wonderful tradition that will not only comfort your family but will also pass on your faith values and be a reminder that you are not alone. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go as planned.

Sometimes unexpected detours take you right where you need to be.

 

When it’s hard to commit

It’s hard to commit to an activity when you worry you might let people down if you can’t make it. Seek out low-commitment opportunities for your family. Talk to whoever is in charge of the activity. Let them know your situation. They will be able to put your mind at ease. They’ll also understand if for some reason you miss, or need to drop the activity altogether, in the future.

A full calendar?

Every member of your family is involved in activities outside of your home. From church activities to music lessons, these are all good things. But, there are times when these things are more of a burden than a blessing. During different seasons, reassess your activities. Some activities should be cut, some continued, and some replaced by other activities that are a better fit for your family.

Living With Cancer A Day in the Life of a Cancer Patient

When there’s an activity your child wants to participate in, but it doesn’t fit your family’s schedule, there’s a possible solution. Ask family and friends for help. This can be hard. That’s where the next tip comes in.

Kick pride aside!

In the beginning, it can be hard to accept help when it’s offered. Know that this is a temporary situation. When anyone offers to help you out say, “YES!”

It can be even harder to ask for help. I learned to ask for specific help when things were particularly difficult (like when Dan was on an especially hard chemo regimen). This included asking for meals and help with transportation for our kids when there were scheduling conflicts. It was an enormous blessing for our family to experience the generosity of friends and family. By being direct, you are helping friends and family who want to help you but don’t know what you need most.

You don’t need to be perfect—no one is.

It’s important that you cut yourself some slack. It can be difficult to balance the needs of you, your spouse, and your kids. You’re doing the best that you can, and whether they say it or not, your kids realize it. Kids are resilient.

 

My prayer as a caregiver and a parent: “Lord, don’t let this be wasted.”

Bonus Tip!

Let go of the little things, like having a tidy house. If you’re used to having everything in its proper place, this can be tough. If your house looks like mine does, right now, you’ll love this one! Housework can wait.

Let go of the belief that your house needs to be tidy. Instead, be satisfied with keeping it clean. There’s a difference. Right now, I have 3 baskets of clean laundry sitting in the middle of my living room floor. My desk has so many stacks of paper on it that I write in the living room with my laptop. There’s nothing tidy about that! But, at least it’s clean. Clean is important, especially when you consider the fact that cancer treatments often suppress the patient’s immune system. So, germs aren’t a good thing to have to hang around. But, the toys on the playroom floor aren’t hurting anyone (unless you step on one). The same goes for yard work. Let it wait or let someone else do it.

By setting realistic standards that are right for you and your family, you can let go of the unnecessary guilt that interferes with your joy and freedom. You have enough to worry about. Don’t add parental guilt to it.

What are YOUR thoughts?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

 

The Erickson Family, Photo by Everbranch Photography

Originally posted 2018-04-24 07:00:58.


Time Management

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is T for Time Management & Cancer.

One of the things that I was surprised by when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, is how out of control our calendar became. We used to have this nice big calendar that hung on our refrigerator. It was always pretty full but under control. Within a couple weeks of my husband finding those enlarged, hardened lymph nodes along his collarbone, we realized that we needed to completely revamp our time management skills.

In the Beginning

In the beginning, everything that wasn’t a medical appointment had to go.Dan was being diagnosed and we needed to be as flexible as possible. After all, we were racing the clock in the hope that we could learn what we were dealing with and fight it while it was still curable. That flexibility with our time management meant we would grab any opening the clinic had for tests, biopsies, scans, and consultations. Dan was diagnosed, staged, and had a treatment plan within two or three weeks, which is really quite fast.

Time Management and Treatment Schedules

Things did calm down a bit after that, but with each new treatment, we had to again change our time management. Initially, when you start a new treatment, you study up on what you can expect.

  • What’s the administration schedule?
  • What are the probable side effects and when can we expect them to kick in?
  • Will those side effects taper off? If so, when?
  • Will the side effects get worse as the drug builds up in his system?
  • What drugs will be used to counteract those side effects?
  • What are the side effects of those drugs?
  • How often will he have scans?
  • When will we know if the treatment is working?

These are all questions that we are still asking about Dan’s latest treatment plan. Often each round is different than the previous one, so you need to remain flexible. Because we still aren’t sure of the answers yet (2 rounds in) we are still tweaking out time management skills.

One example of this:

Dan had gotten several Gemzar drips when suddenly he had a terrible reaction. This meant an unexpected trip to the emergency room and steroids to get the rash he had under control. We wondered if he would even be able to continue his treatment. He was, but they had to make some changes. One of those changes is removing the drug Neulasta from his treatment plan. This drug boosts white cells, protecting him from a serious illness. This could mean more trips to the emergency room and definitely warrants using care with going out in public.

Several years ago he was on a treatment that dropped his white cells. He developed Neutropenia with fevers that sent him to the emergency room weekly. He could no longer go out in public. This meant no work and no church. The kids and I needed to be careful as well. We lived in fear of unwittingly bringing some virus home that would send him to the hospital. Time management meant always being willing to cancel our plans. It was easier just to plan on staying home.

For me as the caregiver, Dan’s isolation meant that it was up to me to take care of transporting the kids to appointments and activities. And with three daughters, one with special needs, I was kept hopping.

Time management

So, How DO I Do It?

First of all, I got a good planner. I had always used a calendar for time management in the past, but those tiny boxes just didn’t cut it. I bought an At-A-Glance Planner because it had plenty of room to write down my daily obligations and appointments. Plus, I could see my entire week in one spread. Every night I look at the next day’s schedule—plus the rest of the week so nothing pops up and surprises me. Also, once a week my husband and I have a time management huddle. We look at one another’s calendars over coffee to prevent any scheduling conflicts. If one comes up, we decide how to work it out. Sometimes that means asking for help from family or friends. There have been times when we’ve used the CaringBridge task planner to ask for a volunteer driver.

When things get hectic, I clear my calendar of everything non-medical. From there, I fill in things if I feel like can handle it. This really takes the pressure off by removing the feeling of obligation.

How you do it will depend on what works for you and your family. It takes a bit of experimentation to find your new groove, but you will do it! I’d love to hear about your time management tips.

Resources

I’m in the early stages of putting together a resource page for caregivers of cancer patients. I’d love it if you’d check it out and email me any suggestions of resources you’d recommend. While you’re here, sign up for my email list to get a periodic email newsletter to encourage you on your cancer journey.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

Originally posted 2018-04-23 07:00:01.


Sleep

I’m doing double duty this month during the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Here at Facing Cancer with Grace, I will focus on caregiving. I’ll also be doing the challenge at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker, where I will share ways to increase your creativity. I hope you’ll visit me at both sites. While you’re here, sign up for my email list. Today’s post is S for Sleep Problems when You’re a Caregiver.

I’ve always been a nighttime person. I used to blame it on working the night shift as a nursing assistant when I was younger, but my night owl habits go back even further than that. Still, I was always able to get enough sleep. Then my husband was diagnosed with cancer and that changed. In the early days, when we were waiting for test results to come back, I laid awake staring at the ceiling, wondering what the future would hold. When we knew it was cancer, grief set in, making it impossible to relax.

The Effects of Electronics on Sleep

I filled the quiet, nighttime hours with books and video games that I could really immerse myself into so I wouldn’t have to think about my own life. All of this was understandable. It was even okay for a little while, but it didn’t change anything—except my sleep habits. Blue light made falling asleep even more difficult than it had been before.

It can be difficult to forgo electronics in the evening. If you can’t shut them down early, you can at least minimize their impact on your ability to sleep by using a blue light filter. I highly recommend a free one called f.lux. I used it and it has helped me tremendously. You can even try different filters and color schemes to see what works best for you. You can download it for free HERE.

Eventually, I did a digital detox and it really improved the quality and the quantity of my sleep. You can read about it on my website, Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker.

Sleep

His Side Effects Affected My Sleep

Then Dan began treatment, and we had to adjust to the side effects and how they affected our sleep. Yes, I said “OUR sleep.” He had terrible night sweats, early on. When he woke up and went to the kitchen or the bathroom. I would jump out of bed and quickly strip the sweat-soaked sheets off, and replace them with dry ones before he returned. By then, I was wide awake from the rapid sheet-change and I would have to try to fall asleep, all over again. This often happened 2-3 times each night. There were also nightmares that woke Dan with a start, and me along with him. He had nights of tremendous pain. Later, he had trouble breathing and I couldn’t sleep for fear something would happen to him while my eyes were closed. It was all very irrational.

Sleepless in Minneapolis

With these poor sleep habits, my own pain levels skyrocketed. My patience plummeted. Eventually, I saw a sleep specialist who did a sleep study on me. He decided that I was in a difficult position as a caregiver and for that reason was suffering from insomnia. He said there really wasn’t much he could do about it other than give me a sleep aid, which came with its own set of issues. I said thanks but no thanks and went home.

There is Hope

There are things you can do to make getting sleep easier. Some of the best advice to be found is on a website called Tuck.com. It’s not likely that you will sleep the way you did before you became a caregiver, but getting a good night’s sleep whenever possible will help you cope with the daily pressures of caregiving—and life in general.

Resources

I’m in the early stages of putting together a resource page for caregivers of cancer patients. I’d love it if you’d check it out and email me any suggestions of resources you’d recommend. While you’re here, sign up for my email list to get a periodic email newsletter to encourage you on your cancer journey.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

I’d love to hear in the comment section, below. I appreciate my readers as well as the writing community. To show that appreciation, I use Comment Luv. Just leave a comment below and your latest post will get a link next to it. Thank you!

ABOUT HEATHER ERICKSON

In 2012 doctors diagnosed my husband, Dan, with stage IV lung cancer. Since then, our family has been learning what it means to face cancer. I’ve focused my writing and speaking on helping cancer patients and their families advocate for themselves and live life to the fullest, in spite of their illness. My goal is to help people face cancer with grace.

My book Facing Cancer as a Friend: How to Support Someone Who Has Cancer, is available on Amazon.com

I also blog at Heather Erickson Author/Writer/Speaker

Originally posted 2018-04-21 07:00:56.

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